Burning Shame

When I have an idea of something to write for a blog post, I need to act on it quickly if I want to execute it or the scared voice in my head tells me to let it go. Sometimes that could be the right advice. The idea might not be groundbreaking or interesting or clever or helpful to anyone else, in which case, letting it go is the right thing to do. But sometimes it will be a wonderful idea or one that might be of help or interest to one other person who is sharing that same sort of experience with me at the same time. I’m not sure which camp this post fits into but I’m sharing it anyway. And quickly, before I change my mind.

Today’s idea which is incredibly tempting to let go is to share an experience of shame with you.

I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s book called The Gifts of Imperfection in which she explains that her research as a social scientist has taught her that shame inhibits us from loving and living fully and that it’s antidote is to share whatever it is that you find shameful with someone you trust. She says that it’s important to find the right person with whom to share your experience (she calls it a shame storm). Someone who has earned the right in your life to be trusted with information that leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable. Today, you’re it.

When I was in year eight or nine at high school I lied to my best friend. I pretended to have a boyfriend. He was this kid that I saw on the bus most mornings. I never spoke to this boy - though there may have been some meaningful eye contact on my part. I told my BF that his name was Colin (?) and there was a surname as well, but I don’t remember it. I gave him a life where he lived with his dad in a certain house that I pointed out from the bus and that his parents had split up. There were other details including a connection with a girl from our year at school in which she was the villain even though I never spoke to her in our six years together at high school. She seemed tough and cool, that was all I really knew of her.

So, my big fat lie included this boy that I didn’t know, my BF who listened to the stories and the girl from our year that I was a little bit scared of TBH.

The lie went on for quite a while. I tried to tone it down and even to admit to it a few times, but my BF enjoyed the stories and I didn’t have the guts.

The lie was eventually revealed through my BF actually speaking to the girl whom I’d cast as villain.

Our friendship ended immediately. We hardly spoke again during high school. My old BF completely blanked me. It must have been upsetting, confusing and weird for her and for the girl I had cast as villain. I know it was for me.  

I was devastated and ashamed. 

The only person I’ve ever told about this is my husband one night when we were in our combi van in Germany and very drunk. I don’t know if he remembers it.

I stopped lying after that.

Thanks for reading.

K.x