Here's an article I wrote recently.............

I was in a café the other day (isn’t that what even would-be writers do?) and there were three young (well younger than me and I had my double twenty first this year) women sitting behind me talking over coffee. A skinny cap, skim latte and decaf soy flat white if you want to know. Actually I’m making that up but I often think of that scene in the Steve Martin film where they all order different coffees and it always amuses me when we really do that.

Anyway, the topic of conversation was a mutual friend (I use the term loosely) and in particular that friend’s child. The group behind me was discussing how unattractive said child is. Now I know that not all children are as good looking as my own but this conversation kept going further and further with regard to the unfortunate looks of this poor youngster and soon turned nasty, all accompanied by uproarious laughter.

Talk began to include comments from the absent mother which provided more fuel for the discussion and more hilarity. Apparently she thought her child was rather appealing. Strange that.

Now I have to admit that one of the women with a particularly acerbic tongue was funny and the corners of my mouth did turn up every now and then despite my better judgement. I really couldn’t help but listen. Anyway at one stage one of the ladies (again, I use the term loosely) suggested they stop but it was one of those “don’t stop” kind of “stops” and the conversation continued apace.  

Now we all like a good laugh and sometimes even at the expense of others but I was completely flabbergasted at the harshness of this particular girlie chat. It was all I could do not to stand up and give them a good talking to but it turns out I am too much of a wimp and I guessed that the uptight woman who told them off would be their next topic of café conversation. So I finished my soy latte (really), almost choked on my haloumi pesto salad sandwich and left with only a slightly reproachful backward glance in their direction which thankfully none of them noticed.

But I did think some more about the reasons behind this sort of damaging talk. Trying to understand why we indulge in hurtful gossip. It seems that we are happy to use the failings or shortcomings of others in our conversations as a way of boosting our own self esteem. That it is okay to diss others if we raise a laugh amongst those present and thus make ourselves feel clever and witty. But is it really?  

The whole situation has stayed with me and made me consider my own topics of conversation particularly when with girlfriends and those close to me. Sometimes in these intimate chats we do feel that it is okay to slag off other people and that those present will remember that deep down we are actually nice and forgive us our indiscretion. But on consideration I realized that it is not good enough. It is harmful and hurtful and just plain mean. It damages our relationships even with those present who are left wondering when they will be the recipient of our caustic comments.

So I have come up with a plan to stop myself from indulging this unpleasant side of conversation. It is to imagine that the person about whom I am talking were to walk in and overhear my words. Would it be okay if they were to listen in to what I am saying or would it crush them? Would it be the end of our friendship? What would be the look in their eyes? Could I even meet their eyes? And if the answer to this last question is no, then I really should keep my big trap shut.