How things change.

My how things change and so fast. Just re-reading the last post made just over a week ago and feeling in a very different space. Still got that little picture before me urging perseverence but feel like it could lead me in a different direction than the one I last wrote about. The determination to finish "Thommo's Cove" is a mixture of wanting to finish what I have started and spent so much time on, watching how the story has twisted and turned over the years and not wanting to seem silly for never accomplishing what I set out to do with this particular book. But today it feels like I have been flogging a dead horse and feel I must admit that it just has not become what I thought it would be. A major change of heart and mind and still not altogether sure about it but in lots of ways I feel like keeping on and on and on with that project despite knock backs and no tangible success is stopping me from moving on to other ideas and for what? It seems in a way that pride and the fear of seeming like a failure has been making me go on with something that has perhaps run its course. A novel and set of characters which has led me on a wonderful journey of personal growth and meeting people and ideas and daydreams and Buddhism. Perhaps it has been my writing apprenticeship for all these years and now I am ready to move on to whatever awaits? It's funny how you feel stupid for having dreams which don't always take the course that you planned and so you hang on perhaps to the exclusion of the next idea. I have been pushing aside other plans and dreams because I was grasping so strongly at this one and at the way I wanted it to go. Forcing it into shapes that it did not want to take. Or maybe the key to the whole story will emerge simply by letting it go for now. It is hard not to panic at this point. So.......today I found out that once again I was not accepted for a Varuna (writing house in the Blue Mountains) fellowship and has this prompted such a drastic change? Actually I had all of these thoughts last night while staying with a friend down in Thirroul and talking about how we hold so tightly to our preconceived ideas of how thing should or must go. Noticing how rigid our minds can be and then looking at the reasons behind that. For me and writing "Thommo's Cove" it has also been about not wanting to let down the people who have supported me in terms of encouragement, love and material aid. There you have it for now. I am ready for the next big thing and this does not mean that I am abandoning my dream of becoming a successful writer, just that it may take a different form to that which I initially imagined. With love and belief in all of us and our potential, K.xx